Went for Therapy, Dani really loves me!

Talked with Dani tonight, good heart to heart. She loves me so much, she understands that it may delay our plans a bit, but my hapiness is most important to her.

Therapy went well today, discussed many issues with Dr. Johnson. She thinks my depression might be because I'm involved in something I really don't want to be. Gotta find what fits for me.

I think my depression has lifted, w00!

The doctor the other week said my depression would lift by itself.

My grandpa said it's OK to be depressed, and don't feel bad about it.

I feel great today. I feel.. more like I did before I was depressed (which started around March, though I had been ignoring it and it had been creeping up for a while). I can't really explain exactly how I was feeling: it was general blah. Right now the general "blah" isn't there anymore -- it's been a while since it's been gone during the day (school.)


I worried about whether I've chosen the right field, whether I'd be happy doing it, etc.

When I was depressed, I couldn't get anything done. I couldn't concentrate, be motivated, dedicated to anything for any significant amount of time. I felt like I wasn't good at anything anymore, unsure of my future (the future is always unsure, duh), worried about everything, had constant negative thoughts running through my head. I wasn't even that interested in ANYTHING anymore. When I went to school, I would do anything to avoid work: browse the web, take a walk around campus, plan other stuff, think about what I might do that night, etc, etc.

Another thing: I didn't feel "right" about myself. Hard to explain. I wasn't happy with myself at all.

For a few weeks the constant negative thoughts were almost too much for me, it felt like I was going insane.

They seem to be gone. Going to keep my fingers crossed. :)

So I was at my grandparents the other day.. got a chance to talk to them alone, and my grandpa alone for a bit. He could tell I was depressed by my mannerisms and the way I talked; he said I sounded bored. Which is the case, I feel bored with life quite often, for no good reason.

He said he has went through it before, and that everyone does, and there's no reason to feel bad about being depressed.

I should talk to him some more about it.

Trying to write down how I'm feeling today:

I'm having thoughts of suicide, in that life isn't worth living. Even being outside in the sun isn't helping much.

I feel disconnected with myself... I feel I don't know who I am, or what I'm good at anymore.

I'm having regret for not saving money, etc, throughout school. I had a blast, and didn't have to worry about money, and bought and did many good things. I shouldn't feel like that.

I hate feeling this way. I gotta get over it, for the sake of my school work and my entire life.

I do have a lot to live for.. Dani loves me, I love spending time with her, I have a supportive family, great friends, but I still fucking feel like this. Ack!

I just feel so.. confused.

Songtau told me today that "I'm going through another puberty". HAH!

I went to the clinic the other day to get a second opinion, and the doc thought I had a mild-medium depression. He suggested I try to vary up things in my life (Get up earlier, etc) change routines.

My doctor Wahby told me "it's all in my head", and that it will take work to reorganize my thoughts.

Well, it seems to me the less I get accomplished, the more depressing everything feels, and the worse it gets. I don't want to spiral down any longer.

It won't give me a title space, blah!

Anyway, I think my main problem is lack of interest. I'd rather browse the news, the web, take a walk around campus, just about anything besides my thesis work that I actually need to get done.

Due to my "disjunction" with time, I don't seem to care if this happens. Can't seem to digest information, and everyday seems to be almost "fresh", like I hadn't learned anything the day before.

This I gotta change.

I think the main source of my problem is that I just don't feel like being in school anymore, so I have to kinda force myself into it.

I could now give people thinking about pursuing master's/grad school advice: only do it if you still have a lot of motivation left for school. If you don't, it's an uphill battle.

Well, I'd rather not give up. I have to just start trying, and the only way to go is up (since I've made little progress before.)