To Read Over every day: Ways I think I can get over my "depression" "quarterlife crisis" "etc" whatever it is

All these "how to get out of depression" pamphlets, advice from Dani, doctors, therapist, I think I"ve come up with my own finally too: Start concentrating on how to fix my problem rather than more things I perceive as wrong with me.

I think here's some good steps:

Dani:
- If I'm getting in depressive mood, remember the "I love you" hand over face. :)

• Advice the therapist gave me:
• Plan always a light at the end of the tunnel
• Treat school like Work: Same times for school everyday
• Continue to eat healthy and excercise.
  
• Plan what you are going to do the night before (or perhaps write it down the day before school.)
• Talk with Dani a lot. Remind :) her to help reshape your thoughts
• Write down episodes, any crying spells
• I've had some, but they seem to be again, random to me.
  
• NO pot/booze for 2 weeks
• Admit I've cheated a bit. (Had a bonfire/movie night one weekend, guys night the other weekend.) I don't really think this is my problem at all.
  

• Don't be afraid to think over what happened the previous day.
  

• Don't be afraid to think about or try problem solving/re-implementing to see if any mistakes school related work at home.

• Don't feel like you have to go to bed at 10-11PM every single day, you can always take a nap in the afternoon the next day, stay up late to do something you like to do by yourself (hanging out with Dani, other friends, etc is still really cool!) for a few hours (but don't overdo it)

• When weather is nice, try taking buddy for more walks (borrow mp3 player).

• Stop worrying about what you are going to do over a year from now (like I have been.) By the end of next year, you'll know whether you want to go into engineering or teacher's college.

• Try to do more interesting activities (lately I just haven't felt like it very much, kinda . I'm being to hard on myself: feeling like I need to be doing something active with my brain all the time.) Even listening to a CD album by yourself is cool (getting an ear for music.) Try painting again when I really get inspired to do it. Play video games a bit on weekends again.

• on that note, it's not Dani holding you back: it's been you holding you back. It's quality time she wants to be spent, not neccessarily tons of time. Use to your advantage: if she's working on a Saturday, you can have a day to yourself.

• SAME times at school everyday, unless I'm really struggling. A little bit of struggling is okay, I"m just not giving myself enough slack: I'm getting frustrated too easy, and giving up too easy. This is the biggest mental challenge I need to get over.

• Don't be afraid of the "bad moods" like they are going to last forever; They are not. Listen to some chillin' music for a bit, even embrace the mood a tiny bit to get it to go away

• I think the reason why I contemplated teaching was:

• I've been having trouble learning lately, so I finally understand what's it's all about. To be like many students, with no motivation or drive for school, but still feeling like you need to do well.

• ofcourse the summers/holidays off, low but almost doubled over 11 years pay, are get attractions as well.
• 
  
• Don't be afraid to change up setting at school, as long as you get productive work done in the other place (for example, reading or hand written work might be a good idea sometimes at Library.

• Some thing Jay told me kinda stuck: it’s not what you do that’s important it’s what people think you do (so be more vocal, especially to supervisor, of what you've done.)

I've also realized it's not just enough to write these things down once (like I did about a month ago). You gotta print them out, look at them every day, and feel like reading them every day.

On a related area, stuff to do by myself (which it's important time to have) and stuff to do with Dani (also very important to have). Cross them off when I get them done (but ofcourse, there's no particular rush. Do 'em when you feel like 'em.)

WIth Dani or Alone, combined list (or in case of painting, possibly when Dani is around, see if she's interested in something- perhaps put on some chick flicks, "lighter" landscape painting perhaps :) Check them off when you get them done (Except for the things that can be done again , ofcourse).

• Do an abstract painting (where you just paint, and see what comes out).

• Figured out why abstract painting can be interesting: doing an abstract painting forces you into a very creative mood, or atleast can.
• Go through pictures together, scrap booking.
• You need to find some nice scrap books (photo albums) first.
• Paint the landscape for Dani's mom (but don't feel like you have to do it :))
  
• Finish the vacation DVD, and bring it over for Dani's mom / Joey/ my parents/ me and Dani to enjoy watching.
  
• Go to the movies (perhaps the Palace, snack afterward?)
• GO to the art gallery of Windsor.
  
• Walk down Riverside Drive with Buddy
• Explore Malden Trail with Buddy and Dani
  
• Pizza hut buffet lunch during the week.
  
• A "When we first started dating" movie night. Stigmate, Bone Collector, Whole 9 Yards
• Go the drive in theater in London one night
  
• You gotta figure out if you are going to drive afterwards, or perhaps stay in a B&B or something?
• Buy Dani a replacement ashtray that you broke
• Candlelight Dinner for two (this can be done again though!)
  
• Did it, made salmon, potatoes, the little "after dinner mints" gam
• Plan a day, or maybe a mini getaway to Pelee Island
  
• Ask Erin where might be a good spot
• Dani doesn't want to use the broken or Jenn's tent, so camping might not be the best idea. That's why a day trip might work easier.
  
• X Buy Aerosmith Tickets for DTE.
  
• Get Dani the Aerosmith Oh Yeah! CD and give it to her with the tickets.
• a Tiger's game (cheap on Tuesday nights?)
• You gotta get each of us a big tall beer though, esp. with Nice weather, very important :)
• Listen to Music CD's with Dani
  
• The right mood for the right music
  
• Played dice with Dani
  
• While listening to Floyd! Rock on!
  
• Play a board game with Dani (operation, Panic!)
• Play Scene it!
  
• Play Shout ABout MOvies!
• X Purchase them on Ebay. :)
• Sit on the deck later at night (especially with the hot weather), have a smoke - then a cigar / cig with Dani.
  
• Doing different stuff helps keep you motivated.
  

Add to this list when you think of more things :)

Bit bad again

Gotta write about it.. helps.

I came to school, browsed the web a bit (Rolling Stones, Ebay, game sites), then tried to concentrate on my report, couldn't. Went outside to read (Interview with the Vampire), good book. Been getting the "thoughts", regret having wasted time, yet I waste more time, worry about not getting anywhere, fuck I gotta break this cycle, really want to. Got sleepy, rested my eyes. Came back in , hopefully I'll be able to do it.

I am very irritable, and my mood swings easily. BAH!

Had a bit of "the fits" the other day too, for no reason that I could determine.

Gotta get over this shit. Been saying it for a while.

I feel I can't slow my brain down enough to concentrate on school work. Eck.

Met with Joe today

Joe stopped by the University today. It was cool to see him after a year. He says work is so much better than school. What he didn't like most about the job was the travelling.

He's doing well... he's done with the GM job soon, and is working for Bruce Power. He told me to contact him when I'm done, he'll have contacts at Bruce Power by then :)

He asked how I was doing.. I said "Okay" basically. I told him that I've kinda lost interest/motivation. He says to work towards a goal. Gotta have a goal. He asked if I was going to get a patent on anything :)

I think that's another one of my problems. I don't have any clearly defined goals.

I think I ended up just picking the wrong topic, at the wrong point in my life. But hey, shit happens, gotta make the best of it.

Joe said there's lots of interesting stuff going on out there. Make sure to put resume on Monster.com. He said Kev will be down this weekend (July 15) for the last weekend of Changes. :)

Something the therapist said struck me today...

That depression/ random crying spouts are your bodies way of telling you something is wrong.

Lots of things are wrong with me right now, I think..

-no motivation/interest in school.
-a bit lazy.
- perhaps smoking too much weed is effecting me... I dunno. I should try and quit for the next week or so, see if that helps.
-blah.
- this depressive state makes me extra moody.

It's not easy living with Dani sometimes, as I'm sure she feels about me. :)

I gotta learn to be okay with where I am.. Living with Dani at my parents house. I want to be happy again, I really do.

Therapy part 2, heart to hearts with Dani

So, last week on Wednesday I met with Ms Kelly on a followup.

She gave me a how to get out of depression booklet, we talked about how I was doing in school, how I was considering going into teaching, pressures in school, negative thought patterns, etc. She says "I'm still young", changing a career path isn't that big of deal. Says it must be tough living at home with parents and fiancee, etc (it is to some extent, but I can't complain.)

She said I should try not smoking/drinking for 2 weeks, and see how that makes me feel. This weekend, and even during the week, I broke that idea though. Maybe I'll try and atleast cut down. Dani said to me "it's only a suggestion, do what you think will make you happy." Puff puff pass :)

I thought my depression was gone, but I got those feelings again this weekend and on Monday morning (though I got out of it by reading, getting a few comptuer things done, bringing Dani a coffee, and then forgot the tutorial I was supposed to give on Monday morning.)

Anyhoo, Dani told me, she only wants me to be happy. We discussed how we're not that great with our money right now, but we're young, and once we get a house/etc, we won't have this opportunity to be as carefree anymore.

I also talked with her this morning about "what do you think I'd be good at". I mentioned I was considering teaching, and that my master's wouldn't be a waste, and she said she would support me. Man, does she have patience.

IT feels much better when I talk about things that are on my mind, instead of just brushing them off.