Insurance companies...

I learned after watching "Sicko" by Michael Moore (which I realized is very biased against the US, nevertheless) that big surprise who started the HMO's in the US: Nixon. Why? I bet he got a cut of the profits that the HMO's would make by letting sick people die.

It seems to me, health care should not be denied to you if you have one of the million or so "conditions" that the HMO's have setup, such that you can't get insurance if you have them.

Never having to do a drug test for work before (I've only had a few jobs, most in Canada), it seems to me it's not about a safer workplace: it's about money.

Companies probably save money by ensuring all their employees are drug free... but let's wait a second here.

What's next? You can't smoke to get hired? Drink? Too much caffeine? Diabetes? Health problems? Genetics say you have to high of a risk for certain diseases/prepositions? Medicinal prescription of "illegal" drugs (morphine, marijuana, opiates, etc). Sorry. No job for you.

One of the reasons I'm glad I live in Canada: at least our government doesn't have their heads FULLY up their asses.

Some more realizations.

I'm getting married soon.. to the woman I love. Sure, it was much easier on my part to decide on spur of the moment to have the wedding while still in school, last January. It may have pushed us a bit in debt, but it was about damn time, I think, to be fair to Dani and myself.

My depression symptoms have gotten worse, then better. All the moving, financial stress, school stress, wedding planning, was too much for me, and I basically cracked, and have been recovering since. The doctors, back in May when I "Cracked" suggested I postpone my master's and possibly the wedding. With counselling with Kelly and other's suggestions I've decided to try to persevere despite it all. As Kelly said, that was a tough decision, even if I didn't realize it.

To be honest with myself, I have been more regretting not purusing teaching right away this September because I saw it as the "easy" and "safe" option. That's not the greatest reason to do things; it is what got me in trouble for my master's; not having a passion for it.

As teacher's and other's have said, it's probably best I pursue my career as an EE first, to see how I like it. I have just got all flustered because I haven't been very good at research, feeling useless in my master's. However, this doesn't mean I'm useless for all facets of engineering, by no means! That's just the situational and chemical imbalance depression talking. I was great at engineering some programs and handling a lot at the Powerhouse, great at labs and problem solving in school. I still have the potential.

If after a few years and jobs I decide I don't much care for the field, then I could do the teacher's college route. Teaching at St. Clair is also an option, too. Besides, it wouldn't be fiscally responsible or near impossible to do teacher's college at the moment.

Depression sucks because it makes time pass faster, regret goes up, procrastination goes up, as does sleeping, in a viscous cycle that's slow to beat. However, once I beat it all, it will all be worth it. It's made me appreciate normal life and feel closer to my friends and family, realizing they are there for me in a time of need.

Depression

AH, it's great to know that I've overcame it once, and that I can again!

Depression hates change, so change is what I will do. A brief walk every morning, discuss with Dani the next day's tasks at night.

I can't let it win, and I won't. It's okay to have a problem, don't be so hard on yourself.

Realizations

I am in control of my life, my mood.

Lately, because of anxiety towards everything (wedding, school, job soon) I can't concentrate. It's that depressionism mood that starts in the morning and lifts much later; if you can't get rid of it, WORK THROUGH IT.

However, I must overcome this, and I can. It's all about saying "yes, you can" over and over till it sticks.

Damnit, everyone else believes in you, it's about damn time you believe in yourself!

So much is good in your life.. so what if you are in a little debt, you'll get a good job and start paying it off! :)
You have Dani, great friends and family, colleaugues; just because there's a bit of turmoil right now doesn't mean it won't lift!

Gotta be optimistic.

On Dieting

A few months back Dani "enrolled" in the Dr. Bernstein Diet. I had been following it with her, but eating a bit more since I didn't get as much supplements (just taking a multivitamin.)

Well.. I somehow cut those cravings for carbs, don't use any more oils, etc, etc.

I lost ~40-50 lbs in 3 months. Dani lost more.

After going to the school doctor (what can I say.. I don't much care for my family doctor), she pointed out that losing that much weight fucks up your body chemistry and puts a lot of stress (even if you don't realize it) on your body.

This explains my sensitive mental state in the past few weeks. Lesson learned ;)

Wow...

I haven't felt the need to post here in a while.

A lot has happened since November - in January I set the wedding date on a spur of the moment; we've planned a lot of it; consolidated our debts.. and approaching 25 fast. We want to have kids soon.

I think what's scaring me is I'm finally adult, but haven't really prepared for it. Can you ever really be prepared for modern stereotypical adult life? I know I'll never be.

I'm 1 1/2 years into my master's, which I'm somewhat struggling to finish, although it seems many of my fellow grad students are in the same boat. I've battled with my supervisor quite a bit, as we can't seem to communicate very well with each other (let's not mind the Concordia incident.) Much of it is my fault and lack of motivation to do work, so I'm not really blaming it on him, entirely.

I need to get on top of my life, so to speak.

So... career is important. $$$, but I want to do something I enjoy. Me and Dani want to stay in the region for now...

Teaching sounded great, but 10 months of school is too much of a financial burden right now; I can't afford with wanting to move into a house, etc etc. I did enjoy that practice class I did; I know I'd like teaching, although it will have it's share of disadvantages as well.

Engineering -- this is what I went to school for, therefore it's best to pursue. :) Assuming I can finish my master's, this means I must be a bit good at it, right? :)

Wanting to stay in the Windsor/Essex County area seems really limiting right now.... that means I have to just look a bit harder. Lots of engineeringish type job opportunities in the area -- mostly contract electric work. Perhaps I should stop worrying if the first job I get is the best one. :) My confidence in doing work needs to return - I don't think I'll ever really get that from being in school. So I'm starting to hand out resumes with customized cover letters- and I decreased the verbage a bit on the resume. :)

Teaching at St. Clair would be great; but there are far less positions here seemingly; it's on an as needed basis (so the chance of getting a job is low.)

So.. ultimately, I'm still a bit indecisive about what I want to do... but I guess you gotta just "Always Move Forward" (Disney), "Move along" (All American Rejects), etc. :)

Now that I look back...

I watched the movie "Prozac Nation" today, because the main character drew some similarities to what I think I went through over the past 5-6 months.

A serious depression sucks (whether it's triggered by , or a combination of, environmental , situational, or genetic factors.)

Like the main character in the film, for months, I felt:
- every situation, person, character on TV, I would take in a negative light. I'd always think the most depressing and negative thoughts, automatically, as first instinct. That's not like me.
- You'd wake up most mornings, waking up feeling as life is a chore.

This kind of persistent low mood is problematic for doing anything really. I'm just glad I'm over it. I did try to make solutions to it, until I realized medication was the only thing I hadn't tried, and thankfully, it worked.